Last night, as I do on many a Saturday night, I worked the door at Fly. Corner of Divisadero and Fulton here in SF. Easy and lazy little job. JV the manager is an old college friend of ours. Come by and visit me sometime. Great food, mind-altering/improving sangria, sake cocktails, nice bartenders, not too pricey.
For the sake of some of my less sophisticated readers, whomsoever they may be, I'd like to impart a few chunks of advice and/or "wisdom" for when the mood strikes to go out drinking.
From the POV of the doorman:
1. Don't paste someone else's photo on your sister's second driver's licence, 3 years expired, and then hand it to me. I don't like getting glue on my fingers.
2. If you dress incredibly poorly and give me lip, I won't let you in on general principle, even if you're 50. There might even be a convincing public policy argument there.
3. If in the same breath you offer to tip me and then tell me to fuck off after I say "No thank you, that's OK, you don't need to tip me," I won't let you in. Fuck you right back.
4. If you're an incredibly hot chick, dumb-ass ill-clad drooling guys dripping off you and hanging on your every move, slinking your way out of a cab toward the door on your imaginary red carpet, the only thing missing is the flashbulbs etc, DO NOT hand me an ID that says "age 21 in 2006" when it's November 2004. I don't like embarrassing people in front of their throngs of admirers.
5. If you've been smoking crack all day, go away. Now. Don't talk to me. Don't talk period.
6. If I don't let you in, don't come back 20 minutes later with your "other" ID hoping I've forgotten you. It won't work, and I might hit you.
7. If you're 50 and I card you, take it as a short & sweet compliment and not as an opportunity to give me a verbal treatise about the "good old days."
8. If you go out for a smoke, I'll most likely remember you. Don't panic.
9. The louder you get, the righter you ain't. I don't care what bug crawled up into your O-ring. Yelling at me will do more harm than good.
10. A library card, even a brand new one, is not a valid ID. Neither is a MUNI transfer.
11. If you have an expired ID but you're obviously old enough, be the last in your group to be carded. If I've already let all your friends in, I'll let you in.
12. Very important: I reserve the right to refuse entry to anyone for any reason, including looks. Try not to look stupid. At least not stupider than the happy-go-lucky doorman...