rubes

This ain't me...

Pretty funny what you can find when you Google your own name...

http://jam.customer.netspace.net.au/ericf.html

Pennoyer Must Die

Some of you may not know that screenwriting is a fits-and-starts kind of hobby for me. Awfully fun. I thought I'd give you a taste of my new script, "Pennoyer Must Die", my fourth. Anyone who has been to law school is all-too-familiar with the name Pennoyer, and I'm sorry for reminding you of it. But I hope this gives you a giggle, and for any of my real filmmaker friends who might read this, I'm sorry the formatting didn't translate. 'The Paper Chase' it ain't...

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PENNOYER MUST DIE
by Eric Friedmann

FADE IN:
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF A SMALL FARM, RURAL TEXAS—SUMMER OF 1877

Pennoyer v. Neff, 95 U.S. 714

A lovely sunny morning. The sun shines upon a small idyllic farmhouse, somewhere in Texas. A few children are playing in the yard, there is laundry hanging on a clothesline, dogs barking, birds chirping. MR. NEFF emerges from the front door of the house, surveys the scene, and is joined shortly by MRS. NEFF.

NEFF (to children)
Hey kids! Be careful out there! Don’t go near that new fence I put up yesterday.

The children smile, wave, and continue playing. A MAILMAN ambles up the driveway toward the house.

MAILMAN
‘Morning, Mr. Neff. How are you this lovely morning?

NEFF
Never better. How ‘bout you, Gregory?

MAILMAN
Fine. Just fine. Just one for you today.

NEFF
Thanks. Have a good day.

MAILMAN
Thanks, Mr. Neff. And likewise to you.

The mailman hands Neff a letter, turns on his heels and heads back down the driveway. Neff examines the letter, which, as we can see, has been sent from Swanny, Nickles, and Lefty, attorneys at law.

MRS. NEFF
Here we go. This is it, finally.

NEFF
Let’s hope it goes our way.

MRS. NEFF
Go ahead and open it, dear.

Neff slowly opens the letter and reads it to himself. We see his face slowly turn from a blank stare to a wide beaming smile.

TITLE CARD & CREDITS ROLL

NEFF V.O. (reading the letter)
Dear Mr. Neff,
Greetings, sir. It has been a while since we last spoke, and I’d like to bring you up to date on the proceedings concerning your property. You’ll be pleased to know that, after considerable wrangling, the final judgment in this matter was returned in your favor. Allow me to summarize the main points for you from the beginning.
As you’ll recall, Mr. J. Mitchell, whom you had retained for legal services, claimed you owed him a sum of $300 for those services. Mr. Mitchell filed suit against you here in Oregon to recover those fees, but as you are an out-of-state resident you were unable to be served proper notice to appear in court. Incidentally, you were in fact served notice via publication in a local newspaper, but we need not belabor the point that you most likely didn’t see that. As a result Mr. Mitchell was awarded a default judgment, entitling him to recover any and all money due him by whatever means available.
As expected, the only way to satisfy that judgment and pay Mr. Mitchell the money he was due was, unfortunately, to seize your land here in Oregon and sell it. In this case, your land was put up for sale at auction by the Sheriff’s office, and, through a clever bit of maneuvering, Mr. Mitchell bought the land at the auction for mere pennies on the dollar. Apparently, it is rumored that he was the only one to show up at the auction, enabling him to place any bid he wanted. Then, for reasons not entirely clear, he assigned the land to an associate of his, Mr. Pennoyer.
Here’s the good news. The Oregon Circuit Court reversed the decision that gave your land to Mr. Mitchell in the first place, on the grounds that your land could only have been attached to the complaint at the very beginning of the proceedings when the claim was first filed, and not later by way of auction via the Sheriff’s department. That is the only way the court could have had jurisdiction over you. The court obviously failed to do that, which means Mr. Mitchell never had the right to sell or assign the land to Mr. Pennoyer because he should never have had possession or title to the land in the first place. So, the final judgment of the court states that ownership of the land reverts back to you, the original owner, and you have the right to dismiss Mr. Pennoyer from the grounds at your discretion.
I offer my congratulations to you on this decision. Please let me know if you have any further questions. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Mr. Swanny, esq.

NEFF
Well, dear, it looks like we can move back home. Let’s start packing.

MRS. NEFF
Oh, that’s wonderful, dear! I’m so glad that Mitchell is out of the picture now. There’s so much to do! I have to write to mother and tell her we’re coming back.

NEFF
But who’s this Pennoyer fellow?

MRS. NEFF
Pennoyer is always the answer.

NEFF
Wha…?

MRS. NEFF
Pennoyer is always the answer. If you learn nothing else from this class, remember that Pennoyer is always the answer.

NEFF
Dear, what in the hell are you talking about?

MRS. NEFF
Pennoyer is always the answer! ALWAYS THE ANSWER!!!!

Mrs. Neff’s admonitions become louder, more erratic and more aggressive. Neff is looking at her with combined expressions of confusion, fear, and disbelief. We come closer and closer to his face until we zoom straight into the pupil of his panic-stricken left eyeball.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LAW SCHOOL LECTURE HALL—FRIDAY MORNING, FALL 2003

We zoom back out of SWANNY’S panic-stricken left eyeball, and we see he has the same expression on his face that we just saw on Neff’s face. He is sitting in a large lecture hall somewhere in the bowels of Golden Gate University School Of Law, in the first week of the first year. His Civil Procedure professor is lecturing, and has singled Swanny out to talk about the International Shoe v. Washington case. Swanny is stumped, the whole class is staring at him, and he is sweating bullets.

PROFESSOR
Well? I’m waiting, Mr. Swanny.

SWANNY
Um, I’m sorry, professor. Could you please repeat the question?

PROFESSOR (a little annoyed)
Yes, Mr. Swanny. I would like you to remind us of the landmark case which laid the foundation for modern day doctrines of Civil Procedure. Do you think you’re up to that task, Mr. Swanny? Do you remember what we talked about the other day? For your sake, Mr. Swanny, I hope you do, or you might find the rest of the semester unduly challenging.

SWANNY
We were discussing the idea of minimum contacts as it pertains to personal jurisdiction, established by the International Shoe case which consolidated some earlier doctrines. It replaced notions of consent and presence and…um…in favor of the new doctrine of minimum contacts…

PROFESSOR
Can you tell me where some of those, as you say, earlier doctrines may have come from?

SWANNY
Well…the state courts had jurisdiction…

PROFESSOR
No, no, no, Mr. Swanny. You’re making this more difficult on yourself than it needs to be.

Swanny is getting increasingly uncomfortable, acutely aware of eighty pairs of eyes upon him, some sympathetic, some judging, some mocking. A couple over-eager hands belonging to obvious apple-polishers shoot into the air. The Professor ignores them. Swanny surveys the hall briefly, and notices little horns growing out of the apple-polishers’ heads, fangs growing out of their mouths, claws growing from their fingers.

PROFESSOR
Shall we get you some assistance from your classmates, Mr. Swanny?

SWANNY
No, no… So essentially the question is, what is International Shoe the progeny of?

PROFESSOR
Precisely.

SWANNY
Um… that would be…

PROFESSOR
It’s always the answer…

SWANNY
Pennoyer…?

PROFESSOR
See? Was that so difficult? Pennoyer is always the answer. Or at least for the next two weeks. OK, that’s all for today. Please read the Burger King v. Rudzewicz and Asahi cases for next time. Have a nice weekend everybody. Thank you, Mr. Swanny.

Be careful of your goodies

Forwarded by my friend Carol Oliva. I love this:

===================

SUBJECT: Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea lecthim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed by
the Bush-Cheney-Rove-Ashcroft administration for the past 4 years, and
failing to take adequate measures to protect themselves.

Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lecthim
include:

Antisocial personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a
messianic flavor; cognitive perseveration; inability to
incorporate new information into a rigid idea fixation; xenophobia;
inability to accept responsibility for actions; and a strong
propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing thinking.

This epidemic is out of control. MMWR reports it has already resulted
in brain death in over 59,000,000 Americans. Excessive exposure to
trailer parks, country gospel music and yellow ribbon asphyxiation are
thought to be contributing factors. New CDC Director Archbishop Burke
has ordered a halt to research into the disease after determining the
disease is incurable and is merely God's will.

Apparently, however, at least 55,000,000 of us have natural
immunity and are poised to lead a brief, but exciting life right after
the rapture begins and our afflicted fellow Americans ascend to their
eternal reward. Godlessness has its rewards.

Cute, cute, cute

Griddle, I've kidnapped your dog...

Gimme $500 or I'm bustin' out the relish.

Yup. We're doomed.

He scarcely uttered a word in public since he retired, but I feel like one of the last barriers between something resembling sanity and utter oblivion is now gone.

Johnny Carson is dead. Long live Johnny Carson. And thanks for the many, many laughs.

EEEEYYYAAAARRGH!!

Is it just me, or is there anyone else out there who felt their skin crawl after watching Dubya dance?

Wherefore art thou, Clutch?

Those of you who have been coming to the gigs and having as much fun as we have know they would not be nearly as much fun without our beloved drummer Mike Nelson, pka Clutch Burnoutski. I defy you to come up with a better stage name. He's the drummer I always wanted.

He's very ill, and he's missing. We're very worried not only for his health but for his safety. I haven't heard from him since our Red Devil gig on Dec 18 '04. His good friend Prairie Prince got a message from him a couple weeks ago, but that's about it. Nobody knows where he is. We have a gig at the Mile High Club in Oakland on Jan 29th, and my old dear friend Will Strickland from Duds is going to fill in. Shit; we're even going to play an old 5:15 song.

Where are you, Mike? We miss you, and we're all worried sick. This band can't be right without you. Your friend Roger won't return calls, and now even his answering machine is apparently null and void.

Please call, Clutch. 415-425-2377, or berserko@mindspring.com.

Your bud,

-Eric

Tsunami relief

For all of 2005, half of all Solana Records proceeds will go toward tsunami aid efforts in Asia and Africa. I'm still in the process of deciding on a channel for those proceeds, and any tips would be welcome.

Go to solanarecords.com, have a look around (lots of embarassing pictures of me and others...), have a listen, print out the order form (I'm too stupid to accept credit cards...) and buy. There's lots of good stuff, all in stock, and it's all just aching to become obscenely intimate with your CD player.

For a mere $100 US, you can be the proud owner of the entire Solana catalog. I think at this point that's 11 albums by various artists, including our most recent release, the wonderful "Break Up The Skies" by Emily Hickey. That's a screaming deal, and for the most urgent of causes.

Thanks for your help, and welcome to 2005.