rubes

Foreground my ass

RIP Roy Scheider.

I know I definitely need a bigger boat.

I knoooow you rider...

Here's the rider I came up with. More or less standard really, with my own uniquely loveable spin thrown in. It sure was fun to write, and it took about 9 hours, even with a stupid template. Somewhere in between the Iggy Pop one and the stodgy, needlessly "professional" Sean Whatshisname one. I found myself using the phrase "if possible" a whole bunch. It might get us laughed right out the stage door, but we need our fizzy water and 2B Chuck, by gum. I figure the poor unappreciated bastard on the receiving end of this whose job it is to grant our idiotic wishes might appreciate some humor and levity in what otherwise is a thankless job. Sorry about any formatting malfeasance.

==============

The Larry Bagby Band
Addendum to Contract Rider

The Larry Bagby Band (hereafter 'the Band') is pleased to be joining you (hereafter 'Purchaser') for our upcoming engagement. Please note the following modest requests, all subject to negotiation:

Set Up Time: If possible please allow no less than 3 hours for Band load in, set up and soundcheck. During this time it is imperative that the Band has a clear and well-lit path to the stage, as they have a tendency to get lost easily and trip over their own feet. The staging including backstage and dressing room(s), full PA including monitors, lights, and power are to be ready and accessible prior to their arrival.

Power: On-stage AC power must be sufficient to accommodate a full backline, including at least three (3) guitar amplifiers, one (1) bass amplifier, in addition to sufficient downstage outlets to power at least three (3) complete pedalboard setups. Stage power must be properly grounded. While it might look good, we don't want people flying across the stage on fire if we can possibly prevent it.

Sound Reinforcement: Purchaser or venue shall supply a full professional quality venue-appropriate PA system with all necessary amplifiers, speakers, consoles, cabling, crossovers, microphones, microphone stands, and processing, accompanied by at least one very qualified, reasonably sober person to drive it all.

a) A front-of-house console with a minimum of 16 ins must be included, as well as a way of providing at least four separate monitor mixes. The monitors can be mixed from the FOH console, or from a separate monitor console in the wings. If possible, we'd like to have dedicated inputs on the console, not to be shared by additional acts on the bill. The FOH position should be protected adequately from the elements, including rain and sun, in the event of an outdoor performance. If the FOH position is on the floor, within seating areas, or anywhere other than its own dedicated booth, it should be safely barricaded from the audience. Guard dogs and concertina wire would be nice, but not necessary.

b) We like a little processing. If possible, all vocals should be tossed over to a stereo buss, with a quality stereo compressor strapped across it. A little short fattening verb is nice, as is a tasty, subtle slap-back for the faster songs. Sound engineers under no circumstances shall experiment with effects on any vocal or instrument without prior band approval. If we hear a guitar solo struggling its way through a Phil Collins-inspired snare gate, there shall be no end to our wrath.

c) Monitors. Always tricky. Larry likes to have his head blown off by his own voice and guitar. When you think it's too much for him, add more. The rest of the Band likes a good mix of everything. We'll provide all kinds of annoying details at soundcheck. Each band member should have their own wedge.

Lights: The Band likes to use the venue's available lighting, and we're not too picky:

a) It should be a professional system, driven by a capable non-coke-snorting individual, with the ability to re-focus the instruments according to the stage plot so we're not illuminating our own feet, stomp boxes, and where last night's keyboard player was. White, amber, red, blue washes are good if possible, as are follow spots for soloists.

b) Under absolutely no circumstances shall strobe lighting be used during the performance. The Band will happily hold Purchaser responsible for any seizure-induced ambulance joy rides to the hospital.

c) Please no bare incandescent or florescent bulbs. They make us look like anemic iguanas. Or like that Tim Burton-like chick that what's-his-name got together with after our Capistrano gig. Girl needed a sandwich and a week on the beach. I digress...

Backline: Purchaser shall provide a full backline appropriate to the venue:

a) Three (3) guitar amplifiers, one to be used for an electric violin. Combos are fine, and probably preferable. But if heads are utilized, 2x12 or 4x12 cabinets must be provided. Marshalls, Fenders, Vox AC30s or AC15s, or similar quality amplifiers are lovely, British and American-made if possible. For the love of all that's right in the world, absolutely no digital or modeling amplifiers, and no Peavey or Carvin. Orange amps are butt-ugly, but they'll do in a pinch.

b) One (1) bass amplifier with sufficient power and speakers to move a great deal of air. Ampeg SVT, SWR, Hartke, Eden, Trace Elliot, Ashdown, or similar is fine. Bass combos only as a last resort, and please no Fender, Carvin, or Peavey.

c) Three (3) DI boxes; two (2) for Larry's acoustic guitars, and one (1) for Eliza's funny-lookin' violin.

d) All necessary cabling, including guitar cables and speaker cables for guitar cabinets as appropriate. The fewer knots and kinks the better.

e) A complete drum set consisting of a 22” kick drum, a 14” snare, 10” and 12” rack toms and a 14” floor tom on legs. The set must also include a snare stand, throne, kick drum pedal, high hat stand with clutch, all tom mounts, and no fewer than three (3) cymbal stands, with all components in good working condition. DW, Pearl, Premier, Yamaha, or drums of similar quality are terrific. Please ensure that there are new drum heads on all components. The kick drum must have a hole on the front head for a mic. Purchaser may also be required to provide cymbals. Please, PLEASE, under penalty of severe vitriol and permanent emotional scarring, don't forget the hihat clutch. Did I mention the hihat clutch and the not forgetting it bit?

f) Eight (8) single guitar stands. Not four (4) two-bangers. They look ridiculous.

g) Please refer to our meticulously assembled stage plot for detailed backline and vocal microphone placement.

Please have the poor person responsible for the equipment easily available to ensure all backline bits and pieces are fully functional until each band member is happy with their respective instrument, and that no smoke or debris is coming out of anything or anyone.

Dressing Room: At least one large, clean, well-lit, secure, non-pipe-and-drape dressing room is to be provided with easy access to the stage. Air conditioning and/or heat must be functional and easy to control. The dressing room(s) should contain appropriate and adequate seating and tables, a full-length mirror to indulge our galloping vanity, and preferably a private bathroom if available. A non-rusty clothes rack with a big bunch of hangars would be nice if there's one lying around.

This is especially important, so please read very carefully; during the Band's performance and soundcheck, absolutely no person is to be allowed in the dressing room(s) without the Band's prior authorization, with no exceptions other than in a genuine emergency. The Band will without hesitation hold Purchaser and/or the venue responsible for any stolen items from the dressing room(s) during performance or soundcheck. Purchaser must provide appropriate security folks to ensure the dressing room(s) remains 100% free of people during those times. We've all lost more than enough guitars, wallets, phones, sunglasses, stomp boxes, and guitar tuners to the hands of beady-eyed backstage wannabe rats, and enough is enough.

Hospitality: Lovingly placed in dressing room(s) prior to band arrival please:
•1 case bottled still water.
•4 large bottles of sparkling water or club soda.
•1 deli tray with assorted non-pressed meats, cheeses, breads, crackers.
•1 assorted vegetable tray with ranch and thousand island dressings.
•4 bottles of drinkable wine, red and white, with corkscrew. Two Buck Chuck is fine.
•1 can of Planter's assorted nuts.
•1 12-pack of beer, preferably Heineken or similar.
•1 750ml bottle of vodka. Absolut is our favorite. Why? Because those Swedes can really do no wrong. One day we'll have a Volvo tour bus. Tack så mycket.
•Assorted juices; orange, cranberry, apple, grapefruit, etc., in bottles.
•Coffee and assorted teas with hot water.
•10-15 clean stage-size towels.
• 1 bouquet of flowers in a vase.

•All soft drinks, white wine, vodka, and beer to be iced down in clean bus trays or similar with clean ice. No Hefty-lined trash cans for drinks please; they undermine what little thread-hanging dignity we still have left.

•To the fullest extent possible, real utensils, glasses, and plates. No plastic flatware, cups, or paper plates if possible, and please no styrofoam. All bottles, cans, food containers are to be recyclable. Please make all appropriate efforts to keep packaging to a minimum. We're tired of piles of garbage after shows. Aren't you too?